I was researching hotels and activities for our trip, my stepdaughter overheard and asked if we were going on vacation. When her father asked me about it, I explained that I was taking my sister, niece, and her friend as a graduation gift
I, a 26-year-old female, married my 34-year-old husband four years ago, and his daughter was 8 at the time. She's now almost 13. Her parents divorced when she was 5, and she has maintained a great relationship with her mother, whom she sees regularly. I've never attempted to replace her mother or force her to see me in that role.
The issue is that she doesn't like me at all. Since she was 7, she has been clear that I'm not her mom. She often rolls her eyes, ignores me, and reminds me that I'm not her mother. Her mother and I get along, and she sometimes asks me to take my stepdaughter to activities because she has a new baby. Although we're not close, we stay in touch for the sake of her daughter, as her father travels frequently for work, leaving me as the primary parental figure.
I don't force my stepdaughter to spend time with me, but occasionally I suggest activities like shopping or watching a movie, especially when her dad is out of town. However, my suggestions are always rejected. Last week, I entered her room to put towels in her bathroom, as she had been feeling down due to a breakup. I noticed she was watching a show I also watch and mentioned that I'd love to watch it with her. She ignored me, so I offered snacks and face masks, knowing we both enjoy skincare. She responded angrily, telling me to stop trying to be her mom and that she wants nothing to do with me. She then asked me to leave her room, and I left feeling hurt.
My niece, who is also my goddaughter, is graduating from high school this year. While watching "Survivor," she expressed a desire to go to the beach for the first time and have a great vacation before starting college. We began planning, and I offered to pay for both of us. Her mother expressed interest in joining and offered to pay her own way. Additionally, my niece asked if her best friend could come along, and I agreed to cover the hotel and plane costs, while her parents would cover the rest.
Yesterday, while I was researching hotels and activities for our trip, my stepdaughter overheard and asked if we were going on vacation. When her father asked me about it, I explained that I was taking my sister, niece, and her friend as a graduation gift. She then asked her father if she could join, and he turned to me, asking why I didn't ask her directly.
I explained that we had made these plans earlier, but when I had previously asked her if she wanted to do things with us, she had made it clear that she didn't want to, saying I'm not her mom and she wants nothing to do with me. I expressed my frustration, explaining that I can't switch between being a parent and a friend based on her desires, especially when she treats me poorly.
She called her mom, who then called me. I explained the situation and what was said. Her mother was shocked but understood. She told my stepdaughter that she had missed out on the trip by acting that way and that she couldn't force me to take her. However, my husband thinks I should get over it and take her. I disagree. I had a discussion with her, her father, and her mother about boundaries and made it clear what behavior I will not tolerate anymore.
I am standing firm in my decision not to take her on this trip. I don't want to reward bad behavior or deal with verbal abuse during the trip. I want to enjoy this trip for my niece and celebrate her graduation. When my husband is out of town, my stepdaughter will stay with her grandmother or mother. I will no longer be involved in parenting her here until her attitude changes. I suggested she may need to go back to therapy, which her mother and father agreed with.
I reiterated to her that I understand she has a mother and I never intended to replace her. I just wanted to be a parental figure. My husband apologized for not supporting me and controlling her behavior sooner. I stated that while I may not be her mother, I am her father's wife and I deserve basic respect. She doesn't have to like me, but I won't tolerate disrespect. Both her father and I asked her to apologize for her actions, but she scoffed and rolled her eyes. She then stormed off, and her parents went after her to reprimand her. We also agreed to attend family therapy.
I informed them that I will no longer be initiating activities with her, such as going to the mall or searching for a birthday present for her dad. However, if she approaches me with a changed attitude, I am open to reconsidering. Her mother mentioned that she would speak with her privately about how her actions have consequences, emphasizing that this incident was relatively minor compared to potential real-world consequences.
In hindsight, I realize I should have addressed the mistreatment more directly. I was concerned about further straining our relationship, but I now understand that was not the best approach. I hope we can find a way to be civil or amicable in the future.
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